via Daily Prompt: Dim
I believe that life should not be a dim existence; it should not be an existence where I am walking around with my eyes half-closed and my joy intermittent. As a free spirit, new motherhood for me was not always the beautifully written verse that I had anticipated it would be. Oh no, for me, the lights were dim in a way that I could never have imagined. I know that the physical changes that occur once a baby is born contributed to my personal darkness, but it was more than that. It took some time, but I eventually realized that for me, and I have to believe for so many other new mothers, part of that darkness was the loss of myself. Not only was my body behaving differently, but so, too, was my mind. Who was this new person? Where I once wandered freely, I now worried about the safety of this human being I’d only just met. I worried for him more than I had ever worried about myself, and I found it emotionally exhausting. My personal light was dim, and it affected everyone around me.
Very long story short, I recognized the absence of ME, and so I went in search of finding a way to incorporate my old self with my new self. I don’t make the opportunity to drink nearly as many margaritas as I used to (and I am okay with that!), but I do occasionally drink margaritas! I also jump into lakes in my underwear and I’ve stopped trying to be a morning person. WOW! For a while, I felt like a failure for not operating the way that typical American structure dictates, but then I took ownership of myself and said no more. After innumerable rough mornings, I finally told my kids that I am not a morning person so I will not be walking them to school. Eek. Does that make me a horrible mother? No! And in fact, it fills me with tremendous joy to say that out loud. So now, instead of beating myself up for not fitting into a round hole, I give my children something else that is unique to me: my free spirit; my silliness; my laughter; and yes, my once-again bright light. That too is affecting everyone around me, which is all I’ve ever really wanted to give to this world: Happiness. Kindness. Positivity. Love.